Agape is a Greek term for “selfless love.” The unconditional, unselfish, wide-open type of love that parents try to provide for their children. The love that gets thrown into vows—“until death do us part.” The love that Jesus offered up to us on the cross. It’s the ultimate love that stays true and doesn’t ever fade with time or with the other random variables of life—it is the most rare form of love that exists.
And so, as I sit here writing this, it makes me wonder how the hell I got associated with this word, and how the term reflects who I am as a person. After class a few days ago, my name was transformed into Agape by a few unnamed characters, and all confusion ensued. The word itself is way too mysterious. Don’t get me wrong, Agape sounds like a badass nickname to give to someone—at first glance, someone could easily tag such a name onto a tall, dark, handsome, European, Calvin Klein underwear supermodel (awkward, yes—just admire how great I am at taking things out of context). Agape sounds like a name of someone who easily gets all of the women, all of the attention, and all of the glory. Everything I am not, everything I do not have (yeah, this is obviously a misconstrued image of the word and it’s meaning, if there is any connection at all, but for all intensive purposes in disidentifying myself with the term, I think it serves its purpose).
But realistically now, if the term describes the greatest type of love, I would think that there aren’t that many people out there who truly understand how deep this love actually goes—I sure don’t! And so goes the question: How can I really deserve such a title when I can’t even comprehend the true depth of the concept? Jeffrey Rene Ver Palileo Agape. How faux pas is that?
With this, I digress. Asian American Studies, Thursday afternoon, Professor Sue is leading the class in taking a little survey/quiz/thingy, similar to what can be found in a Seventeen magazine (minus the sex talk and fashion critiques). A rating on a scale of 1 to 5 was given for each question, yada yada yada, etc.; I’ll save you the details. The last few questions read:
___36. I try to always help my partner through difficult times.
___37. I would rather suffer myself than let my partner suffer.
___38. I cannot be happy unless I place my partner's happiness before my own.
___39. I am usually willing to sacrifice my own wishes to let my partner achieve his/hers.
___40. Whatever I own is my partner's to use as he/she chooses.
___41. When my partner gets angry with me, I still love him/her unconditionally.
___42. I would endure all things for the sake of my partner.
And so, after all was said and done and my results were tallied, it was unanimously determined by a couple of friends (who still remain anonymous) that I fell under this particular category of love style, that of the Agape. This theoretically allows me to proclaim myself as “The Greatest Lover of All-Time.” Will I ever be caught making such an assertion about myself? No fucking way, dude. However, I am flattered by their persistence in calling me by my newfound identity, despite its distinct corniness.
Why the pessimism you might ask? I, for one, am still enchanted by the fact that I fell under such a category, mostly because it has never really occurred to me until my friends pointed it out. Sure, I admit that I enjoy doing great things for my homies, family, and loved ones. I know that I like to make everyone happy, and I try to do most of these things without any expectations or without making demands in return. In this sense, I can see how I can fall under this spectrum. But hey, come on now. Agape? I just don’t feel that the world is ready for my love (with all sarcasm entailed)! But yeah, in all seriousness and with all jokes aside, it just doesn’t feel right to associate myself with such a deep meaning of such a deep emotion; I’m just trying to be who I am, living the way I was raised to be, as well as by my own convictions.
Sorry to say, folks, but this little piece of writing isn’t concluding with much of a happy ending. With that, on to a more emo topic, since we’re doing so well with all the love talk (which is possibly the reason I’m writing this in the first place): If I’m so Agape, why is it that this full-time lover sometimes tends to feel like something’s missing? Now, let’s analyze this, for rizzle. Interested in reading about what’s inside my head? Of course you are.
Who am I?
JR Palileo, age 21. Decently healthy, has somewhat of a plan for the future, has a stable lifestyle for the most part. Friendly, outgoing enough, witty and can be funny at times (to myself, at least). Cooks, cleans kinda, rides bikes, buys clothes and shoes, likes music. Enjoys having fun, but can get down to business. Usually in the company of great friends, but can easily find peace of mind with himself. Caring. Patient. Understanding. Loyal. Sophisticated in the dorkiest way. Was loved by someone special once. Was heartbroken a couple of times in the past.
What do I want?
Idealistically, to not have to worry too much about the petty things from day to day. To wake up, every single morning, without any doubts on my mind. To eventually have a job that I love, and to kick ass at whatever it is that I will be doing. To keep in touch with all of my awesome friends. To find her someday, and to continue living the rest of my life from that point on. Yeah, I’d like that. And maybe a Porsche.
After being single for a little over a year, I can tell you that it’s somewhat of a refreshing experience, especially after being in a long-term relationship that just didn’t happen to work out. I do what I please now, with relatively few worries and/or regrets (and just for clarification, I am a fairly moderate person—no insanely-crazy shit for me in case you were wondering). But, as you probably would have already imagined, it does suck from time to time when the loneliness sets in, especially when everything around you goes wrong and you realize that there really isn’t anyone to look forward to being with/seeing/talking to after such a long, hard day. And then you try to play it off by saying, “Ah fuck it. It’s cool. Whatever. It’s all good. I don’t need anyone anyway.” But deep down inside, you know that it really, really, really sucks. Don’t lie. You aren’t that hard!
Long story short, I guess that this is what I’m missing: maybe it’s just that I’m ready to be in-love again. Maybe I want to feel sick to my stomach missing someone after being away for a couple of days. Yeah, I want it again sometimes. And sometimes I definitely feel like it’s right in front of me, but things never work out the way I want them to.
But for some reason, I feel like it’s just not my time.
But hey, it’s all right. Life still moves on at full speed, and I’m enjoying every moment of it. I do what I can, and to me, that’s good enough. And to seal the deal, I’ll leave you with the one quote that gets me through the day:
I believe
That my life’s gonna see
The love I give
Return to me.
John Mayer – Wheel
Me? Agape? Let’s leave that one for Mr. Mayer.
my bad..don't be offended by the video..i don't know if y'all have seen it already..but yea i saw this my senior year of high school and i forgot about it for hella long..haha.
it does not reflect any of my views, behaviors or looks
Click to download a hi-res version.
http://www.listen77.com/mp3.php?mp3=2985e073-9803-4b4d-a78e-9c4c3644df78&nom=01DahilsaIyo.mp3&id=1203615258826
Yet another reason I love this man.